I have been a motherless daughter for longer than I had a mother here on earth.

I am the daughter of Margret Dale Karl, granddaughter of Nellie Virginia Long. I was just 17 when my Mother died suddenly due to complications of a brain aneurysm.

As we all are painfully aware the pandemic brought on challenges that no one was really prepared for. For some the collective grieving of hundreds of thousands of people was more than they could bare. Not only was the grief overwhelming but it disrupted their own grieving process, bringing them to a place of needing more tools and support for the grief that has become lifelong. I was one of these people.

I found myself realizing I have a lifetime of unresolved grief. Born into a grief cycle, and a legacy of loss that shaped the way our Motherless Mother raised her daughters. After experiencing a miscarriage, I found myself in a new phase of grieving my mother.

As I prepared to become a mother, I started to have so many questions for my mom, as well as I started to see myself in her as a woman at this age. I found myself grieving the adult relationship we would have shared, for my mother as a woman and her life, especially as I see myself in her as I age, and for the Grandmother I never knew in this lifetime.

When I joined the Mother’s Day 2020 call with Hope Edelman and Claire Bidwell Smith, I never imagined the journey I was embarking on and how that call would be the catalyst for so much growth, change and healing in my life.

For years, I had wanted to join a Sunday Mother’s Day call and to go on one of the Motherless Daughter retreats that Hope offers, but like most everything in life, when it is time, everything falls into place.

For a few months prior to the pandemic, I had started EMDR, (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing.)

One of my biggest take-aways from my therapy before it was cut short was that I have a lot of unresolved grief. Not only the devastating loss of my mother but a lifetime of loss.

Over time I realized, having a miscarriage really re-triggered my grieving for my Mother, our adult relationship and what life would be if she were today.

I first read, Motherless Daughters- The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman less than a year after my Mother suddenly passed.

Its honestly hard to put into words how this book impacted my life, my thinking and my approach to grieving and loss.

I went from feeling something was wrong with me and that death was something you grieved and then moved on from, to feeling like it was normal to feel the way I did, to want to talk about her, and that ultimately it was ok that her death defined my life.

The 17 year old who lost her mom, watched her college dreams become beyond her reach and the shelter from the harsh reality of the world simply vanish, set out to not allow the death of her mother to define her, but over time realized it was what made her who she is. Contrary to what I had started to believe, this was something to be proud of, not ashamed of.

Over the years, I would revisit the book. Re-read a section or pull powerful quotes that hit me at my core. Anyone who I met who lost their mom or a recent passing would almost always result in me asking if they knew about the Motherless Daughters book.

My birthday lands on Mother’s Day every seven years. With Corona Virus, we were not camping for my birthday like we usually would do. This year because I knew we would be home, I planned on joining the call on Mother’s Day. I honestly had no idea what to expect, but I was excited about it.

I kid you not, I silently wept the entire call. I was overwhelmed in the best way possible. I truly did not expect that, so in many ways it just reinforced my feelings about needing to heal and address all the unresolved grief in my life.

Not only did I relate to nearly everything Hope and Claire said but I felt like I belonged. It’s pretty powerful to feel you belong when there are hundreds of women on a call and I have never met any of them.

One of the big light bulb moments for me was when Claire said, it is a lot harder to shut your mother out then it is to include her. I did not even realize not only was I shutting her out but how hurtful it was to live that way. In that moment, my perspective changed completely.

Claire shared with us about writing letters to her mom and buying her a Mother’s Day card. It had never occurred to me to do so. I added both to my list of things to-do.

At the end of the call they mentioned the support talks called, Zoom Fridays and an online course called Unstuck taught by Hope.

After the call I felt like how I did when I read the book. I yearned for more. Not only for the support connection with the other women out there who understand, but also to see if I could dig deeper at my grief.

I thought if a free call, could shed light on where I am at, then just imagine all I could potentially gain from a course geared to becoming unstuck in our grieving process.

My goals for the course were:

1. To enter the next level of my grieving process. Digging deeper and deeper at the root of disturbances and impacts on my life today.

2. To shed any shame around being a motherless daughter.

3. To further process the pain, so my mother’s and grandmother’s lives are validated. I want and need to make them proud. Their lives mattered.

4. And to stop the cycle of unhealthy coping mechanisms that lead to a life unlived. Stop living in fear.

I feel not only did I meet these goals; I exceeded my expectations as did the course and everything that came with officially joining the Motherless Daughter community that Hope has built.

As with reading the Motherless Daughters book at 19, during the Unstuck course at 37, I went from feeling something was wrong with me and that death was something you grieved and then moved on from, to feeling like it was normal to still feel the ways I do, to wanting to talk about her, and that ultimately it was ok that her death has defined my life.

One of the most freeing aspects for me was being relieved of this desire to have my family, friends and even partner, understand me regarding my feelings around my mother’s death and impact it plays in my life. I never imagined virtually meeting all these women who had lost their mom too would relieve such a strained and hurtful part of my life. Validation and hearing other’s stories and perspectives on losing their mothers was powerful for me.

Early in the course, I remember Hope responding to a question one of the other women posed. In short, she told her that rather than turning to those who we think should be there for us and continue to let us down, to shift our focus and see who starts showing up for you. I felt as though this applied to my life too. I immediately started to put up healthy boundaries and to be open to letting other show up for me. The results were practically immediate.

After the final week of the course, I told my sister, “My entire life makes sense now.” In that moment, I have never felt more peace.

Unstuck has been a catalyst for so much growth, change and healing in my life.

If you find yourself struggling in your grief or entering a new aspect of your grieving or simply stuck in place, I highly recommend the online course with Hope and a community of Motherless Daughters.

http://www.motherlessdaughters.com